Cast of Characters

It’s been a crazy week.

Where do I start? Right after finding out I was transferred to Black Project 9, some suits pulled me off my shift, and immediately started briefing me on the responsibilities and whatnot of my new job. And friends, if you thought working at regular Area 51 was a hassle, you should see the hoops we have to jump through once you’re on a black project.

Background checks, lie detectors, tox screens, more background checks, equipment protocol lectures, quizzes on emergency procedures, and just to top things off, another background check. I even had a measuring session for a crisp new uniform (though sadly, not at the hands of Doc Hotness).

After four days of this, I was finally taken to Bunker 9 to meet the team. One thing you have to understand about the facilities at Groom Lake – they’re mostly underground. All those buildings you’ve seen in the satellite photos are mostly storage. The real action’s underneath them, and the deeper the facilities, the more dangerous the project.

So I was both excited and concerned when the elevator to my new workplace went down 20 stories into the earth. That’s almost half a mile, people. And that means Yours Truly is now hooked up with some serious shit.

But more on that later. We finally reached the BP9 facility, and I was given the five-cent tour. All black project bunkers are fully self-sustaining, with plenty of food, power, water, and air to last at least 18 months. This is both in case some other mishap occurs at Dreamland (see the previous “orange goop” incident), and if your own lab needs to be locked down.

As learned in my four-day orientation, “lockdown” occurs when there’s any kind of breach in your project. Because the work black project folks do is so secretive and weird, the system is set up to minimize the spread of material, be it information or a flesh-eating chemical gas. Once a lab is locked down, you don’t get out until a) the brass agrees to let you out, or b) everyone’s dead.

With this cheery thought in mind, I was quickly shown the dorms, kitchen, and rec area (complete with private gym), then taken to the main labs of BP9 to meet the staff.

I’ve been told black project teams are a lot like families. You may not have anything in common, but your welfare depends on the health and success of everyone around you. Everyone has a role, and by the end of it, you all want to kill each other.

So keeping the family metaphor in mind, here’s who I’ll be working with for the next 6 to 14 months. NOTE: names have been changed to avoid the NSA hunting me down.

PROFESSOR PLANKTON (50s): Head scientist of BP9, and the mother figure of the team. This project’s his baby, and he’s already put more hours into it than we ever will. Despite the usual distracted egghead personality streak, he seems like a mellow dude. Which is in stark contrast to …

GENERAL HARD-ASS (60s): If Plankton’s mommy, this dude is the sternest, most no-nonsense dad since Darth Vader. Let’s not forget, this is a military installation, so he makes the rules. And trust me, they’re stricter than a Catholic nun. Put it this way: Hard-Ass is the kind of guy who picks his teeth with a Bowie knife instead of a toothpick.

DOC HOTNESS (30s, but could pass for 25): The smart but quirky sister with a heart of gold. She’s got the looks of Zooey Deschanel, the brains of Diane Keaton circa Annie Hall, and the sense of humor of Tina Fey, all merged into one sexy scientist package. I know. God was just showing off when he made her.

PHILDO THE DILDO (20s): The cynical jerk-ass brother figure. Because he keeps the computers working, which in turn keeps us breathing, this dillwad thinks he can be as big a douche as he wants and pretty much get away with it. Which – surprise – he tends to do. Daily.

JOE THE JANITOR (32, me): The black sheep of the family. A plucky young idealist, the only one who really knows what’s up, and a fighting against insurmountable odds to be with the woman of his dreams. Think a more attractive Leonardo DiCaprio. (Okay, so I’m painting a rosy picture of myself. You don’t like it, get your own blog.)

AND THE REST: There are about four other scientists and a half-dozen stone-faced soldiers lurking around. If they become interesting or important, I’ll introduce them later.

But right now, it’s late. I’ll fill you in on the day-to-day next time.