Bombshell!

After two weeks of being stuck a half-mile underground, getting hazed by the jerk-off IT guy, and making no headway with Doc Hotness, I’ve finally discovered what it is we’re doing on Black Project Nine.

Since I was on a “need to know” basis, no one would outright tell me what the project was about, and it’s considered gauche for me to ask. So the usual ploy is to hang around and wait for someone to let something slip. And on most projects (I’ve been told), it takes about three days for that to happen.

But General Hard-Ass has been living up to his name, and he hits the roof any time anyone says anything relating to the nature of what we’re doing. I just hope I never have to play Texas Hold ‘Em with the tight-ass.

In spite of his efforts though, last night I finally got a glimpse of what we’re all working toward. I was in Lab 4 doing my usual nightly wipe-down, and a couple of underling lab coats (let’s call them Fred and Barney) came in to check on some calculations the computer had been crunching.

Realizing this was my chance to finally get some dirt, I ducked behind a gamma ray-emitter. Lab Coat #1 (Fred) checked the finished computations and cursed.

“Looks like Old Man Plankton was right. We’re going to need a much bigger energy burst to send a person.”

Lab Coat #2/Barney was perplexed. “Why? We’ve already ‘ported tons of other stuff.”

“Because, boson, that was all inorganic. If we send something fleshy through without stabilizing the gate, it’ll pop like a plum.” He scanned the figures. “We’ll have to re-configure the machines – maybe two, three weeks.”

“But I’m supposed to meet my S.O. in Phoenix at the end of the month.” Barney whined.

“Look at the upside, pukestain: when we’re done with this, no one’ll have to drive to get sex anymore. You’ll just be able to show up.”

They left the lab, still bickering, while I stayed behind the gamma emitter, wrapping my head around what I’d just heard. All the heightened security, the weird machines, and the huge amounts of dark matter we’re dealing with suddenly made sense.

Black Project 9 isn’t about building a new super-weapon. It’s not attempting to create a better stealth vehicle, or construct artificially intelligent robo-soldiers. It’s not even working on something connected with extra-terrestrial life forms.

No, this project is gunning in a whole different kettle of fish. I gotta hand it to Plankton: dude may be messy, but he shoots for the moon. He’s got this entire team of people trying to accomplish something that has previously only existed in comic books:

BP9 is attempting to achieve teleportation.