On Teleportation

According to the Internet, there are three main theories about how to teleport.

1) THE STAR TREK MODEL: The most classic method. Something is scanned down to its atomic components, beamed across a certain distance, then re-assembled at a receiving point. Think of it as traveling via email. The issue with this method is the scanning and re-assembling of something as complex as say, the human body, is so difficult it would take millions of terabytes and incredibly complex machines to process it.

2) THE DIMENSIONAL MODEL: Also nicknamed “A Wrinkle in Time,” it suggests that people could teleport by opening a gate into a higher dimension, hanging around for a bit, then opening another gate once the old dimension reaches your destination point. While there is some “travel time” involved for the teleporter, to everyone else on Earth the journey would appear nearly instantaneous. I’m fuzzy on specifics, but from what I understand, it’s kind of like how planes can get to Europe faster by flying in arc instead of a straight line. While it’s a cool idea, most people think it’s impossible to actually travel and exist in another dimension. Which brings us to:

3) THE WORMHOLE MODEL: Think of it like a shortcut on a universal scale: you open a tunnel from one section of the universe to another, thereby significantly reducing travel time. Until now, this method has been largely ignored because a) the nearest wormhole was light years away, and b) it was assumed it would take the energy equivalent of a couple suns to create one.

But not only has Plankton figured out how to use dark energy to create wormholes, the Black Project 9 team has managed to stabilize them so you can actually send things through.

Like Fred and Barney said, for the last month or so they’ve been teleporting inorganic stuff – clocks, robot cars, even a little camera on wheels. There hasn’t been a lot to learn. From what I’ve heard, the clocks have come through stopped, and the cameras have recorded nothing but static and interference.

So Plankton and his team have been itching to send a human through. That’s what all the military guys have been hanging around for – once they get the method perfected for teleporting organic material, the soldiers are the first ones to make the trip.

But from what I’ve seen, they’re still several weeks away from that. A couple mice and a guinea pig have been sent through, but they’ve come out as little more than smelly puddles of ass-goo. I know this because I’m the one who’s had to clean it up. And folks, it ain’t pretty or aromatic.

The worst is, things are falling behind because of Doc Hotness. She’s in charge of the organic stabilization stuff, and so far it’s been working like a porn star at Sunday mass – i.e., not at all.

I’ve tried to strike up a conversation with her a couple times, but she’s been too stressed out to say more than a couple words. And so it was, I had my first “date” with Doc Hotness purely by accident.

TO BE CONTINUED …